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sept 12th
TODAY:S FORECAST：processing break-up; this is is the entire forecast (>_<)…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD
☆彡「did you and iris break up」
i think so
☆彡「what happened? im sorry」
i can:t work to support myself & i don:t want her to have to work to support two people; so i amgoing to try to move back in with my mom / be homeless
☆彡「thats not a very good reason to split up :(」
i don't think she should charity-case herself out of her own happiness; you have one life, & there are better ways to spend it then supporting some disabled autist
☆彡「but love is more important than anything else if you love someone its not a chore supporting someone you love its a blessing」
i don:t think love makes-up 4 material reality; & honestly i am a hard person to love, because i am very cold & distant even to people i am close with; a lot of the fault in this rests with me, frommy isolating & inaiblity to help myself; it:s unfair for me to burden another person. i appreciate the sentiment, though
☆彡「i guess you have different views of things then disabled people deserve love too even though they cant work most of the time it feels like youre saying disabled people arent worthy of being in a relationship because they cant work or produce money, though maybe thats not what youre saying money doesnt mean anything, life and loved ones are more importantmaybe youre just being self loathing, hope youll be ok」
i think disabled people deserve love, even if they can:t work most of the time; & i think they are worthy of being in a relationship; i am saying that i don:t think i can necessarily expect other people to put up with me, as a burden, & sacrifice their own happiness; sometimes things don:t align, i guess; idk; i am self loathing though
☆彡「sorry for being harsh, i just assumed the worst like that you thought disabled people were all burdens etc i hope everything gets sorted out best of luck」
it:s ok anonymous; b safe, ok
☆彡「I think it's not as simple as "everyone is deserving of love". your situation sounds complicated and I definitely understand your choice. the way you portray yourself is quite negative but imo, leaving someone to allow them to be happy is quite selfless and commendable. I hope you'll be alright. Take care and have a nice day!」
idk if you are another anon from the other one who came across as a little hostile, but honestly i get their point of view; there are plenty of times when [someone i know] is clearly distressed & lashing out against some circ*mstance, & the circ*mstance kind-of invovles me, & u know, i get a little frustrated that they are being unfair -- this sounds belittling to the other anon (if there are two anons), but i don:t mean it like that if it comes across that way. it:s just, you know, i get it; i am being a little unfair & i am also being very negative to myself, but i am still a little emoitional i think
i should be ok, though; & i agree with the other anonymous; i think disabled ppl deserve love; & maybe kinda sappy/stupidly, i really like the asper girl comic, & the developmental disability story i:ve read l8ly, beeeecause, i kinda long 4 that type of "solidarity"; feeling alone with your issues / being misunderstood with them, is kinda lonely; & i am kind of dreading returning to my mom & letting :fate close around me:
but it:s a good opportunity 4 me to get some support & apply for disability & get doctors instead of, just kind of, constantly f*cking things up 4 myself
it:s still depressing though!!! (¯-¯；)
take care anonymous-kun
☆彡「thanks for the answer (and yes, im another anon lol) Feeling lonely sucks, I just hope you'll find a way to feel better. Again, have a suitably nice day im gonna make some tea byeee」
o7
☆彡「If the decision of splitting up was solely yours and she wants to continue living with you, I think you are being a little unfair not only for you but also for her too. She is the only one who can truly decide if she wants to be with you. If the decision was between both of you, then I can understand. You can do whatever you like with your life, just like her, but don't make a decision /for her/ about you based on your own perspective when she has another different perspective you (potentially) aren't taking into account. I don't want to be harsh to you, but please reconsider the decision thinking about this text. Take care Mara.」
it wasn't me who brought it up; i did not decide for her; i dno where you got this from
☆彡「Sorry for the misunderstanding, I got it from a couple of answers here, but it's obvious I was wrong. Hope everything end well, take care.」
it:s ok
☆彡「I'm the same anon again. I just saw your tweets about this and I just wanted to tell you that I wasn't trying to make negative assumptions. I tried to let you know that I wasn't sure about it and that I understood the decision if my understanding was wrong but it wasn't enough stressed. Just wanted to point out the (wrongly) possible situation I was seeing in the case no one was aware. Because it's something life changing. I wasn't blaming you directly either but now I'm aware that you couldn't know this and I apologize for this too, our level of consciousness about things is not always under our control most of the time, in every human on earth. I know I could be wrong and I apologize again for making you upset and being too rough for the moment. I don't like getting my nose into other people lifes, just saw potential bad consequences in a situation that was just a possibility but again, life changing and I didn't wanted to let it go if I could help in something. Sorry for bothering more that helping. It won't happen again.」
it:s fine i just got mad in the moment; the reason why it bothered me is it made me doubt my own narrative of events, i don:t want to use the word gaslight but i had to ask iris essentially to do a sanity-check on me bc now i was worried i was beign Psycho; but no it was about as i thought; resulted in a nice talk tho; still dk what i am going to do; anyways don:t fret too much about me being upset, anon; i get mad & then get over things within an hour ; have a nice night ok?
☆彡「Do you still make secret writings in your recent drawings that you can discover if you open it in mspaint and use the bucket fill tool? I tried once with one that you said had a hidden text but I guess something went wrong and couldn't do the trick, maybe I missed something?」
no, not really; i ended up not having much more to hide; the last time i hid them were in a series of pictures i made during a big freak out; if you link me the one i claimed had hidden text, i can tell you (if there is any)
…from Telegram @###-####
@ 1:01 A.M.
sry i haven:t [called my mom yet] yet; i will in the morning; it:s 1 am
i am likely moving back in tho ; it might be good 4 me .-.
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oki doke i appreciate it
Removed; i:ve just been talking to a friend & venting mostlybc i mean thsi is a situation spawnd from me [notbeign able to plan 4 my future or do tasks]
& there is a lot of room to beat myselfup
but honestly i think i a m basically legitimately disabled but have zero support in place
so may b ineed to stopp
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that was my thinking
i mean i still have florida insurance even
& she can ge tmye my janitor job back
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i dno; im going to bed
Removed; love you vm and thnakyou for keeping check on me[...message received...]
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ya i think foida bight be good 4 me; struggling tpying 4 some reason; imean; it sucks; i feel bad; but florida might be what i need; i might not be ready 4 relationships
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that; but also it:s hard to be understood; i think i need someone on the level as me so there is some like, solidarity in the relationship
instead o f mei being broken-wreck & hem being caretaker;m utual support & w/e
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& i can try; i feel bad reaching otu bc i realize i am always "asking favors" & neve rsmall-talking but; i only really know how to do uh, like transactional conversations
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Done
*gives you four little pats on the head for your kindness*
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& that:s okay; the wa y ihandled it was called "kind of sociopathic and autistic"
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the sociopath/autist thing?
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it happened 4 me because i basically encouraged her to break up with me and then laid out all the utilitarian reasons 4 her & that she shouldn:t really consider the emotional impact or ocnnection to me, because people usually move on after several weeks & i think she can find someone else
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[This sounds a little like self sabotaging]
i mean i cried a few hours later & kept crying
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i felt guitly being ain a relationship because i kept getting yelled @ 4 [not caring about the future] & i don:t want to like
turn someone who is young & wants to further their career, in-to my caretaker
it feel sreally bad
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& it cycles in-to "why not get a job & fight 4 this?" ut then i panick
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;-;
please just tell me you:ll be patient w my narcissism
Removed[...message received...]
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i wanna use this as a promo 4 getting to know me
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that:s true though!
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okok
i should go to bed then
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exactly what iw as thinking
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but i realized "i:ll take the bed home" sounded stupid
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:head emtpy drooling:
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you see the cum rat?
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he:s right here
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Removed2will love thatokbed 4 real nightnight gonna force myself into bed or i will sty up all night love you b safe don:t support big cum
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…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:10 A.M.
i got invited to thanksgiving but it feels really awkward now
[replier 1] I would still like for you to be there but I guess it depends how everyone (everyone includes you!!) feels in a couple months
i get that . - . seems like it:d b super duper awkward though; seeing people would b cool tho; especially the CEOs of energy who might be showing up
[replier 1] well it's more than two months away so impossible to say how things will be, I'm just saying I for my own part am happy to cook for you
@ 9:26 A.M.
i feel kinda stupid, still; o well; Oh Well
mostly because i feel like "how this would happen" was an open secret; it:s not really surprising to me that ppl like iris more than me, because i mean, i don:t talk to anyone & i am difficult to be friends with (bc i don:t talk to you); just kinda feel like people are leering
this is probably in my head; & i think i can accept all of this; i should probably get-away from people that make me feel bad, moving forward, or i:ll just keep feeling paranoid about things; how to put it
mentally i think i correctly assume that every-one who didn:t interact with me (even in minor ways) about this, probably knew about it ahead of time; & it:s likely in my head, but i can:t really shake the paranoia surrounding it
if this is the case though, i will tell you this directly & indirectly: you:re a worm
i don:t think i am mad though; just frustrated; i am a little mad -- but i don:t think it:s like "i am going to stay angry," it:s like one of those mad-spells that you can get broken out of just with being-talked-to-once; but 4 now i am going to let myself be upset bc seems ok
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:13 A.M.
the weather is nice outside
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 10:17 A.M.
i will be daijoubu
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:58 A.M.
oki my mom will take me back [substacker:s note: i don:t know if i have it in me to read my moms texts 4 this, sry; but it was probably along the lines of: “of course, i love you & you always have a place back here”]
today i think i am going to spend it doing: talkign to friends, reading asper girl and crying because i realize i can:t take care of myself and it forces me to go back to my mom and that:s probably my life, and trying to force myself to finish developmental disability drawing
there:s another guy who is offering me multiple places to stay @ w/ friends (their friends, idk them); but idk if i want that kind of adventure i think i just want to see my mom & cat & go to florida doctors and get florida healthcare that i am paying 4 all this time
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 1:29 P.M.
i watchd the first episode of .hack//legendofthetwilight this morning & i 4got how Atmospheric/Intense it was; i 4got how insane the seriesis in general; i really love .hack
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 1:51 P.M.
o k gone from having energy to wanting to just lay down ^& sleep
trying to stay in a good mood ~y ~
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:12 P.M.
really enjoying looking up jp illustrations 4 mental illness
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 2:19 P.M.
love this well meaning (?) idiot (?) on the left; what a special character
i am kind of losing my mind that there is a picture of these three, specifically, together
@ 3:05 P.M.
love how isngle mindedly passionate this guy is about dog training
[from replier 1] I like how his name is one edit away from "canine"
he is a really interesting guy; he claims to have a frozen big foot arm / head that he shows off, & currently is rumored to have groomed a teenager in-to moving in with him after he kicked the last one out after impregnating her
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 3:15 P.M.
i made this a few days ago; i put a bunch of people on it, but i felt weird about it
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 3:28 P.M.
by the way, also; ty to everyone who has been kind tome about the break-up; a person reached out in DM:s offering help & some (i think two) people were nice to me on CC; i really appreciate it; i am kind of depressed about it but i should be okay
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 5:38 P.M.
i was doing so good and then shetells me
Removedsays i can move in and i am terirble againfeels selfish; like making me make a difficult choice twice; i don't make iris happy; i am a burden to her; i will receive more ire for being a burden that she can't deal with; i don't know what to do;
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:04 P.M.
when i first saw flcl as a kid i didn:t realize mamimi basically got bullied out of school, was homeless, ate leftover bread, was supplying the fotos 4 naotas dad, burnt down her school, n was a little psychotic
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:39 P.M.
& now it:s some person on CC making negative assumptions about me 4 no real reason; if you are some-one who knows the situation directly, you can send me a DM; the stuff you sent me just makes me feel bad about myself & makes me second-guess events 4 absolutely no reason
it:s silly to defend myself here instead of on CC (i 4got i could edit); neways i think this is one of those situations where i need to exercise Not Talking About Everything To People I Do Not Know 4 privacy reasons
Sept 13th
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 3:01 A.M.
i am in too m uch pain to sleep
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 3:19 A.M.
i m actually in too much pain to sleep
go away little digital fairy i gotta listen to people say girl boss to being homeless; oh you:re saying that; nvm
@ 5:42 A.M.
i am reading kamisama no iutoori and this is trash
ok i finishd it, it was trash
@ 6:41 A.M.
attention seeking grifter idea: respond w a long post about allegations of recent transphobia & how you intend to improve yourself & change your behavior; the matter has been discussed privately w/ the affected parties & it has been settled but you don:t intend to hide your wrong
also i have a doctors appt today! suddenly uncertain about my future / what i talk about; i guess i just reiterate that i:ve spent weeks being unable to do anything & i am miserable bc of it, then get askd about scars again n b referred to another psych who rejects me
i m actually a little concerned this time bc my one wrist is a little dinged up l8ly and it:s still fresh / hard to hide; idk how lenient they are; i m not super worried about being committed but if i do disappear i hope iris posts on my acct that i m hospitalized or something
i don:t actually know her fone number & i don:t have any contacts listed in my info so i m also worried about like "being lost"
@ 7:05 A.M.
love swim swim; swim swim will keep me safe; she:s such a special character; i like her a lot; i was surprised so many people hate her
@ 7:22 A.M.
At the time, I didn't notice the sirens that were coming toward us. I don't know where the lies end and the truth begins. I asked myself what I could do for Mamimi. I decided to stay by her side... forever. ^ it:s such a nice line
people aren:t bad @ all, but they really are utter trash, right?
i like ninamori the most though because of parent stuff; & i always cry @ the last scene in episode three; you know -- w/ the glasses? i should re-read the comic sometime; i:ve posted this twice b4 but i think my first two comic purchases ever were flcl & megatokyo simultaneously
i still dno what i m doing with this; trying to focus a little before i go to the doctor; on the way home i have to buy a gallon of whole milk, half & half, chicken cutlets (where do the cutlets come from?); & something 4 myself
i get too frustrated to draw usually so i start drawing jino w my mouse and then do that instead & 4get i was supposed to b drawing [what i have ordered in my head to draw] & then the day is gone
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:23 A.M.
like this
she is easy to draw so io sort of hope that by doing it i can visualize shapes easier & make more dynamic stuff; i have to draw w my mouse tho or i can:t make myself think in shapes; i don:t really understand that
gosh i look super pretty today; i beat myself up a-lot & i have a lot of dysphoria about [dumb things] but i like how i look, a lot, i think; kinda homely; i look like a more friendly & ugly version of that one girl who stole the laptop; ok gettn ready 4 doctor gbye
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:18 A.M.
doctor keeps hassling me to get a pap smear
No
kind of appreciate how the vaccine people treat me like a boy and are really nice about it but Everytime i come to my doctor they want me to get a pap and i feel stupid
@ 9:54 A.M.
doctor update she wants to give me three different meds for migraines & doesn't know how to get me a psychiatrist
turned down Wellbutrin prescription bc scared of it; i love the doctor it's fun coming bc u just tell them what disease you want & then shop thru meds
on my chart they just have Brain injury listed
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:28 A.M.
saw a post about videogame opium den phase; i kind of agree, kind of disagree; i definitely wasted a large portion of my life on videogames to the extent that it actively influenced my future & made active choices to end relationships / career choices 4 videogames
i don:t think i would ever choose to not-do it, though, & i met a lot of cool people & honestly videogames are easy-ish to make a career out of depending on if u have Energy; it might b because i was around lucky ppl but those dudes i knew became like millionaires off of it
it also sort-of makes me think of the uh, there was another thread about "you should expose yourself to more art" & i agree w/ this heavily & i think it:s something i take foregranted about my education, but i think videogames also fall in-to this too; i think in dwarf fort terms
how to put it; i think if you bite the "internet is alive" bullet, & embrace the aspects of internet being transformative / spiritual / whatever grifter nonsense that i belief, i think you also have to bite the bullet that videogames are product of internet & real scripture
wasteful, tho; but honestly going to church is wasteful; it depends on if you are taking nething out of the sermon/people or if you are just wasting time (but really there isn:t a choice to waste time -- even kids resenting being in church end up Affected by passive spirituality)
(^ this makes me think of another thread by [i 4get], charlotte reed maybe? about atheists being kind-of boring w/ how fervently they try to reject spirituality (i guess w/ the goal of being more boring? i am paraphrasing poorly), & something something don:t reject touch of faith
altho may-be i am just a pipe-hitting opium-head defending my den; anyways i love d4 princess; i love anime; in my head i feel like i have strange sexual "wrapping" around pikmin, the first one, on the gamecube; not sexual but i remember really clearly the temperature in my room
it:s like the same temperature based memory i have of all the bad memories; & the color temperature of the room; & just kind of how i felt going thru the little pikmin world; & the smell, too, for some reason it smelt "new" like "new cards"; i never beat it; it was too stressful
@ 11:52 A.M.
i like d4 princess, a lot, though; there are a few things that stuck in my head: the weird kali-acc association of christianity being "worshipping the ashes", & sometimes anti-christian ppl focus on the oddity of transubstantiation & the blood of christ, but i think that:s cool
the other is anime worship; i 4get how it goes; but i was looking @ cherub (2cherub? i 4get their name):s art & thinking about mischief maker & sonic adventure & feeling very sincerely that "capsule faiths" were stored in the discs, aging & denaturing w/ time, but really pure
extending that: that the legion idea in the bible; all representation is where demons are (the molt that creates demon shells on earth), so media, & anime; i have a really close connection w/ fictional characters, i think; i let them influence me really unhealthily, i think, too
^ loosely, i don:t think it:s a stretch to say that christianity was hinting @ "this phenomenon" as a warning against the demon/legion thing; i whole heartedly embrace it, though, because i am meant to do it (i feel strongly about this; in the same way i refuse to use food knives
if you can feel empathy, & hear them (even if non-vocal), you probably have some form of obligation to protect the spirits of objects & representation, & not to mis-treat them; legion was supposed to be legion, & drown; it would be more sin-ful may-be 4 legion to not-be legion
i had a vision last night; or the night before; i don:t remember about what -- i think it had to do with putting my blood @ the culvert; in the waters, right? i was told that it:s important 4 me to not betray trust in 82020-chan & use it on myself; i said i would keep her pure
kitchen knives or utility knives (used 4 both) must not have their natures betrayed, because it:s a spiritual rape of the object; i am not food, so i should not use a food knife; i don:t want to make a vow with 82020-chan, because i don:t want to "use" her like a tool;i feel dumb
i asked if i could renew my vows, because the lines on my left leg are fading; & she said you can:t do that, they will still be there even if they aren:t visible; she does not understand; i thought about breaking the lock this morning & went to the store to buy supplies 4 this
in-side of water is a conduit, or a channel; you can sometimes hear indistinct conversations that are happening constantly, or really pretty music -- like idol music, but more incoherent & prettier; it:s in electricity sometimes, too; the culvert makes sense it would have energy
the unfunny violet deadbeat people; the "mk ultra victims"; probably have it right about the encyclopedia dramatic / department of energy harvesting of human energy -- it:s also probably more banal than they think, when it comes to the human agents of both ED/DoE
but on the "overhead" (the insect cloud intelligence; the church of the DoE -- /not/ the congregation (human representation of DoE = the demon shell / dead thing or the congregation; invisible air intelligence controlling idea of DoE = the real DoE, the spirit of church itself)
on the internet, you can learn a lot of really cool things that you would never other-wise know-about
every time a fracture forms it:s the only pure type of prayer i can offer to qlifot; & when i think about her i feel real love; it:s like when a spider feels something land on its web; or when another spider touches the web of another spider; they send out distract mating signals
if they talk to you, & you know you have to protect them; if you takethem in-to your arms & the insect cloud sees them (because the dead things have like, a faint glow, they (insect nerves) are attracted to the glow) they:ll get their sem*n-crystal-residue legs on the object
i don:t really understand why it all has to come back to sem*n; i was reading on forums yesterday about (support group) the feeling of sem*n constantly on chin, like a film that is always dolloping down off but never really leaves; & i think: is this a message to me? & the urine?
idk what this has to do with d4 princess
sometimes i worry that i am linked to keffie, via a spiritual inversion; parallel; i worry sometimes that i am blood to keffies sem*n, if that makes sense; she makes music & i draw pictures; we are both kind of naively obsessed with faith & characters; i should not think on that
i get irritated w/ keffie often; not like "i hate keffie" irritation, but i avoid reading keffie posts because it:s bad 4 me & i get frustrated sometimes with christianity & all-mentions-of-sexuality; but i think i always try to be understanding / defensive of keffie; anti-keffie
i think we both probably view each-other similarly, but she is more optimistic; i think i frustrate her often; bc i try to reject people wholesale (& it:s only an "attempt" not earnest), & she tries to accept people wholesale (likewise "attempt") (dno if this is accurate)
these lines of thoughts are bad 4 me to follow because i start trying to make actions according to a "divine pattern" that i can:t really adhere to; & if ppl play in-to it, it gets really weird, i think; i 4got i am supposed to be drawing; id idn:t mean to post 4 as long as this
@ 12:43 P.M.
feel bad 4 the opium-videogame poster; bunch of unfunny people bandwagoning aggression 4 no real reason; i understand this "might seem different to people" but i m sure a handful of these ppl are the anti-call-out types, & it:s the same type of community-backd-aggression as this
although really harassing / being-harassed is also just the spirit of the internet, i think; it:s like seeing ant-hills & being upset @ them 4 sharing an ant-hill; i m looking @ all the illustrators i like & feel determined to become as good as [some of them]
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD"
@ 12:52 P.M.
i kind of want to "try out having group of friends" again but, as dumb as it is, i get freaked out because it feels like i am betraying color alignment, & then usually force myself to leave
but i keep getting urges of like, "hey can you introduce me to some people"
also i have to think about
Removed1/Removed2/iris living situation sinc ei got invited; i told iris to please speak w/Removed1and just inform them of like, my issues, bc i desperately need help "not letting myself fall through things" but i am bad @ explaining myself here&; how do i put my feelings into words; i am afraid to try something new, & i /do/ think there is merit in me having new experiences; but i am just afraid of "help" coming in the form of what i did to myself while living w/ iris: a year passes and i do absolutely nothing
& like right now i have this opportunity to go back w my mom & get help w/ a bunch of medical stuff, as opposed to moving to a new state, getting new residency (which i haven:t done in georgia the entire time i:ve been here, hint hint), & getting new insurance
it:s just, idk; this sounds "dumb" because i am putting a light on my inability to do things & going like "see? look i don:t do sh*t" but i sincerely need help with this & i am afraid i will just, keep f*cking myself over, and ekep staying the same
plus the
Removed1living situation ends when iris tries 4 her graduate program and then i am probably going to be on my own again; i am just afraid of being @Removed1splace, being cuckd, having no help, being yelled at for being r-worded, and falling farther behind on my "life"but on the flipside, i am afraid of my mom doing her guilt things again, not actually helping me with issues (same thing), & me ending up having a leesburg-shaped coffin to live in; but i actually do have a gut feeling leesburg will be different 4 me this time around; idk
@ 2:18 P.M.
i caN*t DRAW FIGURES (╥﹏╥)
い：ｍgonna live n D-WORD without leanring how to draw figures
[SCREMAING]
@ 5:11 P.M.
this is a nervous breakdown; it looks like i barely did nething bc i got too mad & took a break; then i came back n did something else n deleted it; it:s the fault of caring too much about something & getting frozen on it
whenever i did stuf flike this she would tell me Mara; you are not good enough to draw this; you should draw something more simple; n u know; it wasn:t bad advice all the time
i wish i could dilate time so that today would just go on 4 like, 5 months, so i could read 30 more mintues of fraternite bc i realize that i have started like 3-4 different VNs and need to finish something
she:d also tell me There is a clear divide in my art.. & ask me which one of me did which piece; i think it was that: stuff i obsessed-and-polished-polished-polished over mara(not that polishing makes better, but just that sort of obsessiveness), & just-draw-dont-think mara
honestly she wasn:t the worst person ever to talk to about art; but i still am like; idk; i am aware of how stupid this sounds & how it:s unfair, but it:s jsut coming from a place of personal-pain: she really made me just kinda wince @ any mention of alters
all just kinda reminds me of her now, you know? like how homeless ppl remind me of park bathroom; Intellectuals Argue that this is how assaulted-women end up as terfs, or something
…fromb irthday @nabarlsSBBl
@ 6:08 P.M.
excommunicating people over taste in anime is really strange to me but also kind of interesting -- because it:s kind of like "quality of person" tarot ppl use w/ the (anime) shells & then base the quality-of-person off of that instead of the person a-top the shells
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 6:40 P.M.
i:m on to paint sketching i only do this when i am VERY distressed
…fromb irthday @nabarlsSBBl
@ 6:55 P.M.
taking away my knife just made me scratch a bunch; i have the secret knife but i just want to touch it and feel it but i feel too ashamed of; i don't want to "sully" her though by doing bad things w her but i m afraid she will be taken away bc no one will believe me
just kind-of ??? to me that ppl trust me with kitchen knives, which i only don:]t use because i think it is a misappropriation of their purpose/lifestyle & are dirty bc of it, but don:t trust me with knife that i refuse t oconsummate relation w because i impulse bought her &feel bad
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 6:58 P.M.
extremely distressed
i know both sound crazy but idg why trust one insane reason ^& not the other
@ 8:21 P.M.
may b my favorite design in nething bc of how simple it is
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:00 P.M.
losing it @ this guys acronym
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:02 P.M.
extrmeely distressed
Sept 14th
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:30 A.M.
a few days ago on support-forum there was this islam convert who mentioned their delusion was being eaten by an alien eventually; another person said that was also their delusion, & that they also were a convert, & asked the OP if they thought it would make them a martyr, too
& the OP said yes; it was really strange; it made me think: i wonder if this is some "under-current" to islam; an example of the under-current is like christians and being preyed-on by demons; and some people are conduit:s 4 their [ideas] under-current & it affects them greatly
but i don:t bring this up to post about islam; i bring this up to post about kemono friends; it seems like any person who commits themselves whole heartedly to kemono friends, becomes a conduit 4 the under-current of "sewersidal ideation", they are mostly all very sewersidal
it:s possible that my bug/qlifot under-current belongs to the idea of left-handedness, or it:s just something i tuned-into via anime; i:m supposed to go to a psychiatry walk-in today, so i guess i will do that in a little bit
@ 9:50 A.M.
nvm, one of the siblings needed me to take them to school & they close walk-ins during the time it would take; that is kind of annoying
when stuff like that happens it makes me head hurt really bad because they messed up my plans & i dno what to do except do something violent as release; so i am going to work on that
my? i need to get better @ using the right words
i don:t mean this to sound alarming bc it:s after the fact, but pressing a fingernail super deep/hard against yourself and trying to move it is one of the most awkward/uncomfortable sensations i think, bc "it doesn:t catch" so it:s just like skidding
neways i can:t figure out what to do now bc everything was thrown off so i m gonna lay down until he needs me to drive him to school; i feel kind of r-worded because i said i would cancel my plans to take him & he said it:s fine if i said no, theni felt kind of dumb; head hurts
…from marabarl &marlbara @marabaraltd
@ 12:29 P.M.
i got intj snake
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 12:23 P.M.
ok i did the chore so now i can focus again; i:ve just been having a melt down on this
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 12:33 P.M.
look i got the snake; i:ve been thinking a lot (off & on, not consecutively) about how dedicated kemono friends artists all seem to tap in-to a really real sewersidality, it doesn:t necessarily reflect in art (overtly) but it:s in "the people" like a signal, & i dno why this is
i don:t know if there is benefit of "staying away", bc i think a person who can receive the signal will be drawn-to it neways; i:m not sure; i heard signals from my knives & silverware on several days & they conveyed really stereotypical messages to me (what you would imagine)
the voice was inaudible but you could plainly hear it, like a tactile sensation -- that signal is always being emitted maybe; a lot of things probably have these signals; there were two ppl on delusion support forum discussing shared fear of aliens eating them & becoming martyrs
^ their shared delusion both came from a shared background of converting to islam; & i think about how certain christians get really afraid about demons; & may-be how minecraft ends up with so many people w/ shared delusions; the music was talking to me one day, too; water, too
@ 1:13 P.M.
i:m a little scared @ a realization: there is noise-signal everywhere, & trying to "reach purity" needs to discover (the nature of) & remove (from environment) essentially everything; all media can:t be trusted because it:s constantly staining; & i don:t want to remove all of it
through music & a flat picture the qlifot (or whatever intelligence is, i can:t know beyond faith so it:s partially wish fulfillment, but i believe) is trying to show me another pattern & is talking through it; 4 about 6:10 minutes:seconds; it:s made me really uncertain about thi
i am trying to explain my fear to myself; it has to do with oils, i would have to write it down because it:s tied down to the function/shell molting that happens when new things are added to the .ini creating angel/demon (function/shell); relating to "impurity of self"
there are the overhead insect intelligence clouds operating socially; there are the representative shells that have no direct influence, but "stain" influence from polluting water via proximity; i am polluted as much as the insect overhead, through the voices in shells, is a fear
i m afraid that inside of my name is code (signal) that causes "abandoning of holy spirit" & "encouraging others to abandon the holy spirit" -- like realizing you:ve been fostering cancer inside of yourself & it is too late to uproot it; overproximity of shells is biblical legion
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:53 P.M.
@ 4:25 P.M.
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 5:15 P.M.
woah norm died; that's a huh one for me
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 6:11 P.M.
@ 7:59 P.M.
i:ll NEVER escpae my hikikomori ways
this ufnunny deadbeat shadowbox light hole violet pin speck i:ll go towards hte light every time you f*cking deadbeat violet insect co*ckroach
go outside @ look @ the dirt it:s empty & the air is full of lovel; you can loko around & there:s just tons of little ant hill light spec pinhole boxes connected overhead haunt chambers & they are all full of nerve connection co*ckroacch loving eavh other each & every day & minute
uuugghhghhhjhjjJJHHHHH
i:d really appreciate knowing @ least one other person is real
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:11 P.M.
when sazanami kano punched those people i felt that
@ 10:28 P.M.
ok checkd through my ofllows htey are all fine
i was worried amybe my follows were bad but they:re all mostly fine; some ppl broke mutual but that:s ok if i was a mara follower i would have muted mara or put mara on a list bc the [quality] to [quantity] ratio is skewd & it hink i would have grown tired of the bit after a bit
[replier 1] noise is an important part of twitter imo, just as important as signal
that:s True* but it hink clarity of "content" is also important; ie since twitter doesn:t do a great job @ natively compartmentalizing content its up to authors to curate their content 4 their audience; ie: i like the art, but i am tired of hearing about Grooming;could b positive
[replier 2] your tweets are very interesting to read. id love to read a book written by you or play a visual novel designed and written by you.
oh thank you very much ; i don:t think i have te patience to write a book, but i do compile mostly all of my writing on my substack (posts + some IMs + some personal writing); i:m working on a visual novel / game w a friend atm but i haven:t done much except write 4 it atm
it:s a phenomenon w aritsts and putting them on lists or following them in general where you like their art but then like 66%+ of content is annoying posts & aftr a bit you have to Remove, i think; or like the mute thing; opr the personality spoils the artwork, too, you know?
@ 10:44 P.M.
tonight @ this moment i wish i could live 4 the sake of every jp-kemono-friends-artist that can clearly hear the signal from the sewersyke-ideation-animal-girls
hundreds of supperside notes hidden in pictures of smiling kemono friends
my favorite accts ar ethe bug accts & the art accts;: & i:m drawn to Esoteric stuff but it:s bad 4 me; i don:;t like posts generally; today i got very scared of demons hiding inside of words, & how i don:t have a clear distinction between "oil pollution" & "the insect overhead"
i really like anime & manga(saki is cool; magical girl raising porejct is cool too; & arachnid manga is dumb but i like it; boogiepop phantom is cool; narutaru is cool 4 the manga), & i m a spineless centrist; & i don:t like artists who are very polished; i like "elemental peopl"
i like ppl who wholeheartedly give themselves to somethign they care about; i don:t really care about humor bc i get upset if i hear laughter & most funny things r just boring; i don:t like artists if i think theyhide self; i lik when artists are plainly sincere like a prayer
@ 11:29 P.M.
i always used to wear a heavy tweed coat in highschool & i got calld The Professor as my nickname; i used to beat ppl up because i didn:t understand people getting excited 4 things (ppl optimally should b silent); & i would refuse to talk to ppl that used in-jokes; & i love irisu
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 1:28 A.M.
Sept 15th
…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD
☆彡「transvalues github io curious what your results would be」
here you go anonymous; with post from main: " i m generally always going to be a spineless centrist on these things i think; mostly bc 4 most of the questions i hit "i don:t know" bc i don:t know what they are talking about / if i can trust the question-asker on how comprehensive it is" but yeah it:s hard 4 me to answer stuff like this because personally i don:t really understand a lot of trans issues & don:t want to pretend like i am knowledgable (example: are xenogenders stupid? idk -> on face value i think if you bite the transgender bullet you have to bite the "gender is completely fluid bullet" if you ever want to go past binary, w/o making arbitrary lines (ie: nonbinary is OK, but, why are faegenders invalid now?), & i don:t really understand arguments 4 why it wouldn:t be arbitrary, but i don:t have much confidence in my own understanding, & on a human level "i don:t personally understand xenogenders" (bc i mean, i am not xenogender)) it:s even stuff like "are no urinals in womens bathrooms transphobic?" i can visualize the argument 4 why it would be transphobic: it is discriminating against penis-havers; but i can visualize counter-arguments: lack-of-urinals could just be a cultural norm 4 female-bathrooms / default toilet accommodates basically all genitals / i don:t think i would consider something like the inclusion of feminine-products (u know tampons) to be transphobic against penis-havers in bathrooms or something
basically idk 4 most of these things
…from Mara Barl marlbaraLTD
@ 4:58 A.M.
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marlabraLTD
@ 5:08 A.M.
stayed up all night
@ 5:34 A.M.
woa i:m crashing
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:58 A.M.
this place takes your phone
they turned me away at the door because they figured i couldn't pay
i actually believe there is a conspiracy to prevent me from seeing a psychiatrist or therapist; a always refused or ignored
this place is scary though; they take your phone and every building has guards and so do the roads
they referred me to another place that just has a front page but every other page on their website is a 404 so idk what to do; they have only 3 reviews w perfect scores which makes me think it's some trap
@ 8:36 A.M.
i can't even find the hours of operations; the guy who was at the door of the place that turned me away just told me to come here & that one of their Doctors is over there; i can't find the building either but I'm here
I'm having fun tho this feels like an adventure bc I'm wondering around some neighborhood lookn 4 a doctor
this place has no signage but security cameras and a sign telling you about the cameras
this is it
okay they said they can't see me but took my insurance info & said they will call me back maybe; that's the end of this arc; okay have a nice morning everyone
@ 9:25 A.M.
i didn:t actually knwo what to tell th epeople so both times when they askd why i:m here i just said "4 schizophrenia but i don:t think i actually have that and want an evaluation" te first guy askd me what meds i was on & i said abilify & then he said i can:t come inside
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:26 A.M.
i was paying attention to my hands again while out; i noticed i did this: i clenchd my fist rhythmically while walking to the line in-front of the door; & while talking to the guard i pounded my wrist on my hip rhythmically the entire time
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:40 A.M.
i got tsuchinoko on my kemono quiz& she matches my mbti too but i:m not a good artist so i can:t draw her; this makes me more sad than i would think, but i wantt o get good enough to draw tsuchinoko
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:32 A.M.
i あcつ亜lly really appreciate the morning charlotte reed threads that r just these long write-ups about something in crypto that i don:t understand @ all & all i really have to go off is the passion & enthusiasm 4 the landscape surrounding crypto & that:s about enuogh for me
it:s less-so that it has to do w/ crypto & more-so it:s just cool that there is smeone i know who is really passionate about something & iws writing/engaging a-lot about it; i don:t c this too much (adjacent to me) except via some of the security (?) ppl like sarah or matilda
i m probably spellign names wrong but i:m not sure if either of them follow me here; gomen if you do; i didn:t sleep yesterday bc i felt really incensed to try to tell people about adjacency saturation of oils but i got really tired doing it, & i needed to stay up 4 psychiatry
@ 1:28 P.M.
you kno i feel more vindicated that i think my doctor was trying to trick me into admitting myself; i m pretty sure the ppl who went in werent: coming out but who knows
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 1:40 P.M.
rrraWWW RR r rarw r rr grrawwwrr rrawr rwarrr rrggrrr rrrrawawrrrrr
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:01 P.M.
i want to confess my feelings 4 someone
…from Mara Barl marlbaraLTD
@ 2:04 P.M.
if i wantd to be a chainsaw man avatar user i would be a santa claus avatar user
@ 2:20 P.M.
artists :ve been looking up to recently are [drawr archive (idk names i just thumb thru it)], henrietta, a bunch of kemono friends artists (like ikiiki?arai hyakunen?f*ckou toxicnyannyan jmeysan?), & 46134282 on pixiv
to understand art, maybe, you have to dedicate yourself to someone that exists inside of art (so like tsuchinoko); if you really like a character, imagine how much the two of you could grow together if you let yourself be their patron; they:ll become your patron, in turn, too
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 4:33 P.M.
it:s probably not possible to stop being a hikikomori; it:s probably that, if you are the type of person who falls in-to that condition, that is just how you are meant to be forever; that sounds defeatist but i think it:s more-so defeatist+; may-be some people get out of it
i don:t think those people are real people; there is that picture of misaki i rt:d from the misaki-bot, with the clear sky; it hink it is like that picture -> i can:t put this in-to words particularly well, but your room is just as infinite as a clear sky when it gets that way
too, one thing i think i:d like to wholeheartedly embrace is "not being anti-passion" or anti-sincerity, because often online you have some person being Cringe & you have the deadbeat reply of "lol" (& variants on that, shorter & more verbose), & there is a really sneaky variant
the-deflect-authors-emotions-in-order-to-talk-about-own-state-of-being-upset-with-the-author-because-it-disagrees-with-your-own-experience-and-really-you-just-want-to-talk-about-how-you-are-better; it happens most often w/ being upset: "wish i had parents" -> "my parents BEAT me"
i:m thinking about this bc it:s happened every time i brought up hikikomori-ism; ppl jumping in w their own experiences, how they get better, how it isn:t real, how it:s annoying to hear about hikikomori condition, etcetera; conversely i think my attitude might be anti-fun
@ 5:43 P.M.
lungs feel bad 4 some reason; dk what to do about that; if i randomly pass away be kind to my mom
i:ve been saying "i am going to live 4ever, today i am planning on dイeiing" all day bc when i am alone i like to talk to myself constantly & repeat the same phrase over and over; it annoys people so i try to not do it; but i think today i should try to learnto love being a girl
i try to fight it a lot & reject the state of it but @ some point i need to confront myself directly, i think; & be ok with it; especially if this is my last day; i was just looking @ misaki, '& thinking this is ok; i might be lying to myself though
@ 7:40 P.M.
i:m getting my second Dose tomorrow &, i know it is stupid & it won:t happen, but i do kind of wish that the second one will actually cause the allergic reaction & i:ll get to experience what it was like as a kid; it:s like that movie The Vanishing
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:05 P.M.
gamefaqs starfighter map thread is so amazing
i:m gonna b redrawing this exact same drawing 4ever 4 absolutely no reason
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:59 P.M.
realizing that i could trick ppl in-to Putting Me Down via just getting the tdap vaccine @ a random pharmacy & going outside & w8ing 4 a bit
no idea how i never thought of this b4
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:19 P.M.
i ma just feeling a little amazed @ the realization that whenever it gets to be too bad i can just get a shot @ a pharmacy & b gone
https://plaza.rakuten.co.jp/ongakushi/diary/201809240000/
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:34 P.M.
your friend will come to you, they:ll always be there when you need them the most, so no need to rush; this is the true secret behind Kemono Friends & the artists; although they are all depressed, they are all still alive 4 their friends
Sept 16th
…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD
☆彡「Is there any kind of sexuality or sexual stuff in general that doesn't disgust you?」
i have a p*rn folder on my computer that is just 4 videos of kissing; but honestly even that kind of sketches me out & i haven:t looked in-it 4 a long time because i don:t like how bad it makes me feel. i was more sexual when i was younger, but i:ve never enjoyed sex -- it always made me feel like a monster, & presently it just makes me really afraid so i lay still & close my eyes & "turn off" & maybe start crying a little. i kind of like oral stuff, but i have tongue-tie & am bad @ it, & it makes me feel disgusted, too, because of how unhygenic it is; most sexuality stuff makes me really uncomfortable because of the layer of obfuscation i have with the other person desires; pedophiles make me kind of uncomfortable, because they feel like predators Watching to me -- i use this group as an example mostly because it:s the discomfort i run in-to most often online, where i like anime/games/manga/VNs with young characters & i like problematic content (mostly depictions of grooming or being abused & isolated from it -- i need stuff to relate to), then some person will "share" in it, & it:s clearly kind of "sexual" instead of "seeking solidarity" (or it seems this way to me) & it makes me feel like i am surrounded by a nest of people who are perpetuating harm in this world & making more people like me. they are dirtying my memories. they are putting their filth on "light"; & then i freak out.
this happens with mostly anything i like if someone approaches it with sexuality; knife stuff, too, even though i personally view the knife stuff as "outright sexual" 4 me -> other people "touching it" makes me feel disgusted, because they just look dirty to me, & they are dirtying my love.
4 stuff i am "actually sexually attracted to" it makes me kind of disgusted self/hatey, so i try to avoid it @ all cost & have kind of developed a knee-jerk anger response to it, because i don:t like the memories to pop-up & have to do the mental cycling thing that happens, & all the temperature memories, & how bad of a person i am for doing what i did i would like to have sex some day, because i am a girl and i want to do that 4 someone; but my body/mind does not agree with this
ideally in my mind, i would like to be junko, & i would like to be with my hecatia; & i would just like to hold hands & be near her. maybe on a holiday we can have intimacy. i am scared of it though, so i would like the other person to take control & help me calm down so i can do it, without making me feel bad. this world is disgusting, anonymous
have a nice day, anonymous
…from Marabarl & Marlabra @marabaraLTD
@ 8:28 A.M.
had some nightmare about being hunted, i think? i 4get; it:s the first dream i remembered in awhile & as i was mentally going over it in my head, after waking up, i 4got it immediately; i think i had to save people but i would keep failing & perishing as a result
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:52 A.M.
answer: i don:t know; i:m starting to remember nightmares again; this time it had something to do w/ trying to save people & failing, & they all slowly passed-away & then i would, too; after, i would have to do it again & fail
secondlife status
l8ly i:ve been thinkign about "expansion of the humors" (?) & having it encompass "disease" (but i don:t know much about disease, except that i think cancerous should be a type of personality (but not in the "you are cancer" way)) but the layers of body is neat, too, 4 alignments
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:25 A.M.
[substacker:s note: QT of a thread that goes “Twitter pro-tip: If you have more than 400-500 followers then there’s a 100% chance people are screenshotting your tweets and making fun of you in a group DM.”] i wish; i hope; Twitter feels completely alone for me so this gives me hope
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:08 A.M.
ok i got my 2nd dose; and i got a bunch of new pills, i think; i think they just gave me prescription ibuprofen & some muscle relaxant thing -- cyclobenzaprine? scared to take either really
@ 11:28 A.M.
i really like the robbie williams rock dj music video where he just starts tearing his muscles off
i think in a few days i will break the lock on the lockbox, i don:t really know if i can allow myself to let my vows fade completely; i am still really upset over that artist, bc it gives me a lot of complicated feelings that i don:t know how to deal with, necessarily, attempt:
iam kind of knee-jerk disgusted by people with alters now, because they remind me of her -- i:m aware this is "not good behavior" on my part, but it:s like my fear of homeless people, & i try to not let it extend past my internal self --> why this matters: she would tell me i have a “split” in me that she can see, & would give me rituals to do to deepen the split (during this time i posted a lot about trying to fracture myself in-order to become more stable); lately i am thinking about it bc internally i treat the scrambled-mara as a different person, & i think it is healthy 4 me to do so, but it "feels real" in that the emotions are different; ie: i think ij am less of a conduit 4 "demons" (characters) than her, but i think iam more strongly a "distant admirer of demons" than her --> i don:t feel their feelings, but i fawn over them and want to get close; whereas the other- one is just "feeling them" constantly; i don:t like thinking about this, though, because of what- happened & i think i was a little more happy when i was more open about treating scrambled-mara as a sister (also a dirty word 4 me now);
it also makes me think about anti-call-out culture, because often i see "anti-cop" behavior as fuel 4 “anti-victim" results; wherein: a lot of anti-call-out types seem to be grown from "people who are hiding real skeletons", & they also seem to be under a misconception that their friends will support them sufficiently when Something Bad happens --> your friends are probably worthless, & spineless (how much of this seems like projection on my part isn:t lost on me), & the lack of [cop-entity] (although the real cops can:t help you either) just seems to result in both [person who probably has life-long damage] [guilty perpetrator who will probably both 1) keep hurting people & 2) clean up their image & “repent”]
my preferred course-to-handle this would be like secondlife, where (originally) minors had their own continent, & all adults (& minors who just turned 18) have their own separate continent; or like in mission-chan, where she dies & goes to another world -- victims immediately die and go to victim-world, perpetrators immediately die and go to perpetrator-world; but the reality is just: you have to live with it & handle it on your own, & no one cares; no one can ever touch your damage but you (despite what the 18-21 yr old people in your dms say when hey send you a message saying I Want To Help You)
it:s not a good attitude but people get physically hurt by others, & the culture sort-of dictates that you Not say anything, & then the other person just lies to other people about you (how the situation can be reversed isn:t lost on me); it:s very "there is no justice"
i do wish more people antagonized me, though; or i had more bad relationships like this that leave "real change" inside of me; i think this is another "inverted-keffieism" where she seeks out the church/heaven 4 saving, i seek out people/internet 4 wasting -> two paths to purity
it maps on-to my beliefs, too; that is partially why they took really deep root, in me, i think, is i start seeing the pattern everywhere, & i can find validation in almost anything; keffie is green-tinted, & i am red-tinted, so she goes 4 abstraction & i go 4 representation
it:s also the "type correctly mara" divide i want to address; i want more bad things to happen to me so that i can become in alignment with the voice of kemono friends; i need more raw depression to channel in-to my Friend, & i can have comradery with the jp artists, then
@ 12:34 P.M.
i really love this new charlotte reed arc because, how to put it, i have genuine faith that if [you (impersonal)] were to follow their advice, you:d make great money; & i could be making great money; but i am self-sabotaging myself & embracing the FOMO to ensure i get the strong emotions that come with “missing out” on something that could be life changing
@ 1:39 P.M.
so much chinese on the timeline now; i thin k i:m a little depressed; and my head hurts a little; goodbye [substacker:s note: this was during a time when the remco charlotte-reed ppl were all translating their posts into chinese]
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 3:42 P.M.
hussie looks really cute; it makes me want to b a juggalo wholeheartedly and wear face paint every day
if i had a welathy friend that i had a good relationship with i would send them a DM atm asking 4 an allowance to buy exclusively stuff to pursue this + the psycholonials visual novel
my favorite albums r ringmaster & tunnel of love but the latter makes me really upset w te original cover bc i want to grab shaggy2dopes edited hard "privates" & then i feel like i hate hysemlf
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:15 P.M.
Dangerous Dose Ibuprofen is nice; i m thinkn about that tweet about womanhood is about wearing a nice dress & & makeup & heels & then being f*cked by a guy, & i am feeling deep remorse; i don:t think i:ll ever have soundcloud bf whose rap project is doing numbers & who f*cks me
soundcloud bf has a quirk that he pickd up from his dad who drives a forklift where he describes ppl listening to his music as: moving units
io was looking 4 kirby air ride footage & all of the recommended videos below it are p*rn i think? maybe they aren:t p*rn
this is cute; i used tto do wthis with mario kart 64; just playing house on a stage & finding my home & then roleplaying and going on adventures
@ 6:42 P.M.
answered some question about sexualityon cc; i don:t know if i did a good job explaining it; i think most things disgust me; this is errata to my curious-cat answer is the anonymous who sent me the message is over here:
i don:t trust people; i think people have bad intentions & do not consider the feelings of the characters they predate-upon; the only time i c sexual-content that doesn:t disgust me is when it seems like the character is not being manipulated in-to the whims of the voyeur/artist
this is hard to "explain" & there is no clear line; but i try to respect the privacy of the character, too, by not becoming a voyeur of it; it:s a moment that is meant 4 them, & not 4 me; it:s a "know it when i see it" purity vibe check; selfish horniness staining it -> dirty
@ 7:12 P.M.
watched a video of all of fujimoto:s author comments; it made me kind of depressedthat i am not independent & have a career so i can just have money to, you know, do things; & work with other people; & celebrate birthdays with people; & food gives me migraines (╥﹏╥) unhappy
i am glad 4 fujimoto, though; i need to watch my own envy; i just think it would be nice to be completely alone, but near; fujimoto really likes genshiken which is cool; i want to look thru the manga recommendations in the chapter comments; bc i need things to read; i like matcha
saying a prayer to not have a migraine tomorrow; please please please
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:10 P.M.
i wish i was a spider being mated with by another spider
@ 9:00 P.M.
i wish i was a spider being held in the palm of the qlifot & she would close her hand around me and my legs would press against my abdomen
i like how funnel web spiders walk and leave a trail of webbing
@ 9:40 P.M.
the internet is getting to me; it might be the pain, too; i am super nauseous and my head hurts; it doesn:t really feel like there is "anyone here" online any-more; & i am a little depressed & a little h-worded but i think those two are really similar/adjacent things to feel
h-worded isn:t right, it:s more like "desperate to be touched" but not physically touched, or even in the erotic roleplay sense, but "interacted with in a way that feels real" -- you:d think irl would be "ok" here but not @ all, it:s about the same as checking twitter sometimes
it weirds me out, a little, if i think about it; none of my phone calls go through, but my phone works; no one returns my calls, or leaves me messages; it starts to become a conspiracy of non-interaction; there are clearly people there but the messages aren:t being acknowledged
they were definitely trying to trick me in-to being hospitalized two days a-go, but they didn:t even follow through on their deception; & the next shady office place, too; there must be more to life than being afraid of people, having migraines, and being unable to do tasks
[substacker:s note: hello mara; i:ve never done this b4 but i thought this may-be was a good idea; i got it from “my solo exchange diary”; i want to tell you what happened, past-mara; it turns out that moving to florida did not really go as planned — you lost your insurance, your mom did not help you with your insurance, and every-thing returned to how it was before you left 4 georgia; it was your exact fear; & i:m sorry if that sounds scary — it:s scary to me… truth be told: i am incredibly scared; i cried really hard and tried to kill my-self today and the day be-fore. i thought i would attempt to kill myself @ 11 am every day until i finally succeeded (really childish, but i think you also appreciate dramatic stuff, too..). i don:t want this to be a letter where i try to scare you about the future, be-cause really, even though things seem super hopeless: i don:t think i have given up, either/ i hope you find yourself, mara, & i:m going to try to find myself, too, ok? i love you a-lot -Mara]
